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What is your attachment style?

Attachment refers to the emotional connection you form with another person. Attachment theory was pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. They suggested that the quality of bonding that one experiences in their first relationship (with one’s care giver) shapes how one is able to respond to intimacy in their relationships and how they are able to relate to another person in said relationships as they mature.

However, it is important to note that people are constructs of not just their childhood nurturing, but also their experiences over their lifetimes. Therefore, one’s attachment style can change overtime.

With that said these are the four different attachment styles of love uwu

1. Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment styles are able to form warm, loving and secure relationships with their partner. They readily love and trust others and can be loved and trusted just as easily by their loved ones. They are by no means afraid of intimacy and are able to understand and respect their partner’s boundaries when they need some distance between them.

Those with a secure attachment style…

• Have a generally positive view of themselves

• Can openly and comfortably express their emotions, needs and desires

• Are happy to rely on and be relied by their partners

• Able to maintain a good emotional balance and resolve conflict in a healthy manner.

An important thing to note is that people with a secure attachment style are by no means perfect in their relationship. They face their own set of issues too. However, what sets them apart from other styles is their ability to manage them.

Growing up, someone who developed a secure attachment style was likely consistently engaged with their caregiver. Their parents or guardians must have been able to demonstrate enough responsiveness and care for their needs in order for one to feel safe and secure, thus developing a secure attachment.

2. Avoidant Attachment

Does this sound oxymoronic? Well that’s how people with this attachment style generally feel and behave in their relationships. The avoidant attachment style is the first of the 3 insecure attachment styles . People with this particular attachment style struggle growing close and getting intimate with their partners. They also face difficulty fully trusting their partners as well. Those with this particular attachment style may feel suffocated in their relationships and thus are inclined to push others away. They value their independence and freedom over intimacy.

Those with this attachment style…

• Very independent and do not feel the need to be taken care of by other people

• Are inclined to withdraw themselves when their partner gets too close

• Are uncomfortable expressing their emotions, needs and desires

• Often call out their partners for being too “needy” when accused of being too distant

• Prone to having affairs to regain a sense of freedom that they have seemingly lost in a relationship

• Prefer casual non-commital relationships.

The most paradoxical part of those who display this form of attachment is that deep down, they do crave an intimate relationship. However, due to various circumstances, they may not feel ready for such commitments. Growing up, they may have had a caregiver that was often unavailable for them. Due to inconsistent and unpredictable responsiveness and care demonstrated by their parental figure during their childhood, these children in turn develop their own methods to soothe themselves. Many a time, this involved emotionally detaching themselves from their caregivers. Thus, this behavior may translate over to their adult lives until or unless they experience a change that helps them overcome their deep-seeded childhood fear of attachment.

3.Anxious Attachment

For those with this particular attachment style, any sort of threat of abandonment or distance from their partner can make them feel incredibly anxious. They are insecure about their relationships and are hungry for external validation. This attachment style stems from a deep-seeded fear of abandonment which may have been conditioned from childhood or from a poorly resolved relationship in the past. More often than not, these people are viewed as ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ in their relationships.

Those with this attachment style…

• Crave intimacy but struggle to fully trust their partner in fear of abandonment

• Have a tendency to let life revolve around their relationships

• Struggle to form and observe boundaries with their partner

• Have a negative view on themselves and base their self-worth on how they think their partner views them

• Prone to jealousy and may utilize guilt, controlling or manipulative tactics to keep their partner close

Like the avoidant attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style may have also grown up with parents that displayed inconsistent and unpredictable responsiveness and care towards them. An off and on show of affection and engagement from their caregivers may cultivate anxiousness and uncertainty on whether or not they may receive the love and care they deserve. Thus, these fears are often brought forward into their adult relationships as well.

These fears are not exclusively developed during formative years. They may also stem from past abusive or toxic relationships.

4. Fearful-avoidant/ disorganized attachment style

This particular attachment style is a combination between the anxious and avoidant styles of attachment. Those with this particular attachment style both desperately long for intimacy and feel like avoiding it like the plague. This attachment style is very rare and is lacking the proper scope of research. However, from what we know, a person with this way of attachment are associated with SIGNIFICANT psychological and relational risks that include a strong inclination towards violence in relationships, heightened sexual behaviour and a struggle to regulate their emotions.

Those with this attachment style…

• Find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling and may swing between emotional extremes - between love and hate for a partner

• Are insensitive towards their partner and may be seen as selfish, controlling and untrusting. This may even escalate to abusive or explosive behavior

• Exhibit antisocial and negative behavioral patterns (Eg: drug abuse)

• May view themselves as unworthy of love whilst craving it along with intimate relationships.

Childhood traumas are suspected to play a major role in the development of this attachment style. Their primary caregiver may have been also dealing with their own set of unresolved traumas. Therefore, their parental figure must have displayed a duplicitous raising style- from being a comforting and nurturing figure for the infant to a cold, erratic figure that overlooked their child’s needs. This chaotic style of nurture may have traumatized the child and thus as they grow older, these traumas and fears tend to seep out in their relationships.

5. Conclusion

Everybody is worthy of love and affection. A person’s view on attachment in general is unique to themselves because every person is shaped by their very own experiences, traumas and nurture. As a community, we must be understanding of our differences instead of being quick to villanise anyone, especially those who display one of the 3 insecure attachment styles.

If you find yourself relating to any of the 3 insecure attachment styles, or a friend or a partner who seems to display these particular attachment styles, you may consider consulting a professional or gently convincing your friend or partner to seek help.

You do not need to resign yourself to the same attachment style, it is very possible for it to change throughout your lifetime.

Helplines

AWARE women’s helpline- https://www.aware.org.sg/womens-care-centre/helpline/